A Guide to Monster Love

Valentine’s Day is approaching, and that means young fancies invariably turn to thoughts of love. Of course, “love” can mean many things. This Valentine’s Day, many will turn to literary sources of romance. Of those people, many will turn to romantic monsters. Of those monsters, many will be undead creatures rather than just abusive humans written by people with weird ideas of intimacy. But if you are one of the many people drawn to the allure of the monster, what does it really mean? How can you be sure monster love is right for you? Well, like all fantasies, monster fantasies are inherently selfish. What monster you want inside you says a lot more about you than about the monster.

What is a vampire story REALLY about?
Vampires are parasites in every sense of the word. They live on the blood of others, but are also parasites in other ways. Vampires are inherently aristocratic. The first romantic vampire was a COUNT for a reason. Vampires surround themselves in finery stolen from the lower classes. Vampires produce nothing, and take everything. Vampires will even rob you of your free will if it suits them. Oh they love to play the victim, to cry about how misunderstood and lonely they are, but that is because they are narcissists. A vampire is ALWAYS the victim in their own mind, and therefore they are always justified in what they do. Kill someone and drink their blood? Oh, its just an example of how tragic THEIR life is. Vampires are the monstrous representation of the fear of the aristocracy and privileged.
So what does it mean if I want to fuck a vampire?
Vampire romance is invariably a fantasy of being “uplifted” from your class and being gifted with power and control. It is a story not of true love, but of class conflict. Vampires never give up their status to become “common” humans. Rather, it is the select few “chosen” humans that get to raise in status and join their betters. To long for a vampire is to long for someone to give you power and status. You are merely fetishizing the aristocracy, and revealing your desire to attain social rank at any cost. Will you really become a parasite, feeding on the blood and production of your own class, just for love? No, you’re not doing it for love. You’re doing it for the power and prestige that comes with your dream partner’s family. Sure, you’ll justify all the horrible things you do by telling yourself that you DESERVE that blood more than the rabble do, but enjoy it while you can. You will be first staked against the wall when the revolution comes.

sotn-zombies Zombies
What is a zombie story REALLY about?
Zombies are a mindless horde. They are an unwashed mass that exist only to overrun everything we have built, or to be convenient targets for gun-filled power fantasies. Zombies represent the fear the establishment has for the masses. The fear that everything you have “earned’ can be taken away in an instant if those people you don’t ever think about or acknowledge suddenly revolted. More often than not, zombies are disdained more than feared. They’re “weak” monsters as well as mindless. They’re both the fear of losing your identity in the constant deluge of mass-marketed homogeny and the fear you have that those pop songs you despise might actually be fun and catchy. They’re the “sheeple” who don’t realize they’re all the same while YOU are unique and special. They’re what every bigot believes immigration or multiculturalism is. They’re humans robbed of humanity for your convenience, and you know that if they all woke up and came at you at once you’d be screwed.
So what does it mean if I want to fuck a zombie?
Like the vampire, the zombie is really a monster of class. Your fantasy is not just a romance, but a revolution. A world where everyone is united with a single purpose, but still love and individuality exist. You and your partner are proof that the fear of what zombies bring is unwarranted. The elimination of class is not the end of the world or of individuality at all, not as long as you can love and bring out the love in your fellow undead paramore.
Or maybe you just want to fuck a dead body, I don’t know. Weirdo.

What is a werewolf story REALLY about?
While there have always been animal people and shapeshifters in folklore, the modern werewolf has a specific origin in literature. Medieval romances such as Bisclavret portrayed the werewolf in a sympathetic light. They were penitent humans trapped in bestial form for various sins, but capable of overcoming that to win love or help knights. Wolves weren’t the only animal forms these cursed heroes took either, as in the case of Hans My Hedgehog. But as medieval theology developed, the stories took on a darker form. Rather than stories of humans overcoming their bestial urges, the satanic werewolf was a human who gleefully wallowed as a beast. Modern werewolf stories try to combine the two, making for violent sociopaths who we’re supposed to sympathize with because they feel kind of bad about the horrible things they do. So in other words, like nearly every other fictional pop culture figure, only they also are a wolf sometimes. Look, werewolves are actually kind of boring these days, ok? Once we studied actual wolf behavior, it turns out werewolves don’t even act like wolves anyway! Did you know the alpha wolf thing turned out to be bs? Or that wolf “packs” are amorphous societies that individual wolves wander in and out of all the time? Basically most werewolf stories are the transgression fantasies of a witch but wrapped up in the aristocratic fantasies and justifications of the vampire.
So what does it mean if I want to fuck a werewolf?
You fear or hate something inside you. Maybe you’re scared of hurting someone, maybe you’re just scared of what people will think. What you want is an excuse to let it out. A scenario where you can take all that pent up emotion and let it explode out onto the world in an orgy of beast metaphors. But you’re not REALLY ready to either take total responsibility or to completely ignore what the world thinks. Your fantasy isn’t about fucking and becoming the Incredible Hulk and having no limits or remorse. Werewolves are pack animals with their own rules and societies, and since wolf packs don’t look anything like what we assumed they did when we created werewolves, that means werewolf packs are a lot more like human societies than any hippie dippie “be like nature” crap. You wouldn’t WANT to return to nature anyways, you just want a society and family where it is ok to either cut loose or give in without hating yourself. But when that cutting loose involves preying on those “beneath” you, lycanthropy just puts a fuzzier face on the aristocracy of the vampire. You don’t just want to run wild, you want a world that justifies you doing so. You want justifications, and you want a lover that will give you plenty of them.

What is a mummy story REALLY about?
Mummies were never monsters until Europeans came into the picture. Mummification was just how you honored and prepared the dead. When the British burst into the pyramids, eager to rob the dead AND the living in the name of their empire, the mummy became a representation of what they feared: that one day they’d find something their mighty empire couldn’t beat. Even after the sun set on the British empire, the mummy remained a monster in the mind of every colonial power. The mindless mummy, a reanimated corpse powered by nothing our science could understand and filled with a rage none of our clever words could talk it out of. We convinced ourselves that the people we conquered were “primitive” and “savage” and so their knowledge and ways of life were beneath acknowledging, much less understanding. For our hubris, we were rewarded with a monster fueled by that same knowledge we disdained, and impervious to everything our own knowledge could throw at it. We can’t reason with it, we can’t understand it, its going to destroy us, and if we had only not committed cultural genocide there might be someone who could help us.
So what does it mean if I want to fuck a mummy?
Unlike the previous monsters, being intimate with a mummy doesn’t end with you becoming a mummy. As the mummy is a monster representing the empire’s fear of those they have conquered and abused, to love a mummy risks fetishizing and othering a culture for your own gain. Are you drawn to the mummy just because its power is “exotic” and ancient? Are you hoping to conquer through love what couldn’t be conquered through colonialism?

thecreature Frankenstein
So what does it mean if I want to fuck a Frankenstein?
Either it means you’re attracted to nebbish academics with little common sense, or you’re actually talking about fucking a golem made of reanimated flesh. See, the monster wasn’t named Frankenstein, he was always just called “the creature.” Am I being pedantic? Perhaps, but this is an article about the politics of monster fucking so I kind of have to be. If you meant the reanimated flesh guy, see ‘Golems’ below.

automatonzx26 Golems
What is a golem story REALLY about?
Whether its the original Golem of Prague or a modern day robot, golems are the fear of what we think and create. This can be a fear of science gone too far, as in the Frankenstein novel, or a fear of art destroying the artist as in Galatea or Dynamite Headdy. Perhaps it is even a fear of the future and our own offspring and legacy. As a monster representing the act of creation, the golem can be created in any form needed.
So what does it mean if I want to fuck a golem?
Perhaps you are something of a narcissist, like Dr Frankenstein or Pygmalion. Your fantasy lover is a creature of your own creation (or even worse, you lazily pine for a mass-produced sexbot or creation of someone else that you can still program and dominate). You are fantasizing about an aspect of yourself it is possible to love without being just masturbation. Don’t fuck your golem, that is gross. If it is someone else’s golem you fantasize about, remember that its a being itself. You don’t get props for remembering that either, its just basic common courtesy. A lot of gross people assume they are owed robot sex just because they treated the robot with respect. You’re not owed sex for being respectful of a sentient being, that is what you should do normally. The biggest irony of the golem fucking fantasy is that even when you fantasize about a romantic relationship with someone else’s creation, the act of fantasizing about it MAKES it a product of your OWN creation. Moreover, this technically makes ANYONE OR ANYTHING YOU FANTASIZE ABOUT FUCKING A THOUGHT GOLEM. But if you go down THAT road you’ll start wondering if every thought or creation is therefore a golem and if you actually have any thoughts of your own of if each one is just spawning a separate metaphysical entity and honestly that’s not going to do you any good. If you want to fuck a robot so much, just remember that its ok to love yourself AS yourself. You don’t need to create an excuse to love yourself.

What is a witch story REALLY about?
Witches exist to transgress. The label of “witch” is political. Who gets labeled a witch? Those that society deems too smart, too powerful, too learned or too intriguing. Magic is, by definition, the changing of reality, and so those who wield magic are a threat to those who do not want to see reality (and the political status quo) changed. Those who live outside the community, who know enough about the world to live and thrive without everything society tells you that you NEED to live, they are called witches to keep you too scared to learn from them. Of course, witches CAN threaten the status quo through means such as eating babies, brewing poisons and cursing people. Still, you should always question what the person declaring someone a witch has to gain.
So what does it mean if I want to fuck a witch?
You’re interested in the taboo and the powerful. You don’t mind having a partner stronger, smarter or more sensual than you. Either you don’t care what society thinks about you as long as you’re in love, or you specifically want to give society the finger through your choice of loves. You see your dream partner as someone who can remove you from your station in society, but unlike the vampire fantasy you don’t want to just be elevated above people you think should be beneath you. You want someone to take you out of the entire system. You want to make love at the outskirts of civilization, feel the eldritch power of things beyond your understanding burn away everything you once were but never should have been, transform into a car so your lover can drive you off into apocalypse. Ok, so there might be some overlap with other fantasies, but you get the gist.

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